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New Blog Website
Yes folks, it's finally official.
After many months of life support, I regret to inform you all that the xanga days have come to their end.
The blog has moved to wordpress.com
New address: www.kr156.wordpress.com
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I Heart the Media
kr's note: Gotta love the media. I was referred to this article by several people, and some of them were quite happy at the positive media coverage we Moslems were getting. They were pleased that the Hajj was being covered and written with a glowing angle.
Please. This article is one of the most biased, slanted, agenda-filled piece I've ever read it makes me wonder if this was just copied from FoxNews.com instead. I love how much of it is very subtle and shapes people's perceptions without them necessarily even being aware of it. Then again, the devil is a genius at subtlety.
What follows is the article, and my commentary in italics. Oh yeah, I think I said something about not posting till January 2008... but then I did. Go figure.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/12/16/saudi.hajj.ap/index.html
Muslims gather for Hajj pilgrimage- Saudis announce tougher security precautions as Muslims gather in Mecca
- An estimated 2.5 million pilgrims will move out of Mecca to Mount Arafat
- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad among guests invited by Saudi king
MECCA, Saudi Arabia (AP) -- Millions of Muslims
from around the world gathered in Mecca Sunday for the start of the
annual Islamic Hajj pilgrimage, as the Saudi Interior Ministry
announced tough security precautions (Amazing how the first qualifier they use for Hajj is to talk about security, as if security is the biggest issue each year when Hajj rolls around. Anyone who's been to Hajj can agree that even though you're surrounded by millions of people, security is the LAST concern on you're mind. You can walk around without a fear in the world. This isn't like some rock concert or sporting event wherein they have to get like 10,000 security people for 90,000 attendees. But then of course, we Moslems are rowdy, barbaric -- probably haven't even discovered electricity yet--so of course, we're going to need tough security precautions. Is there a color coding system for Hajj like they have at US airports? Is the threat advisory saffron or elachi colored this time of year?)
Men and women draped (I like how we're 'draped', instead of just 'clothed'... draping conjuring up images of cults like the KKK also draped in their white robes, and also full of hatred towards anyone part of their society) in
white robes circled the Kaaba, Islam's holiest site, seven times in a
ceremony anticipating the official start of the pilgrimage on Monday. King Abdullah has invited 1,000 guests to this year's Hajj, including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (of course, mentioning the latest 'most dangerous man in the world' will always get a rise out of your audience)
During
the next two days, an estimated 2.5 million pilgrims will move out of
Mecca to Mount Arafat for Tuesday's climax of symbolically stoning the
devil (first off, that's quite inaccurate since the climax of Hajj is Arafat itself, and the stoning of the devil occurs on the following day. On top of it, apparently that's the climax of Hajj, as if to say that even our most religious rite involves some act of violence, and specifically in this case, stone throwing, conjuring up subconscious images in the minds of readers of Palestinians throwing stones against their invaders.) . By Friday, more than 1.6 million pilgrims had arrived in
Mecca, according to the Central Hajj Committee. The Health Ministry
said about 254 pilgrims, many who were elderly, have died (I'm sure the health ministry mentioned many other things, but notice how its only the numbers of people who died, even though, statistically speaking in that large of a population, especially with so many elderly people, people will die... that's how the world works. Go look at the stats of any major metropolitan city, and the number of deaths for that many people will be quite similar) of natural
causes since arriving.  Watch what's entailed in the large security effort (yippee, we get to watch a video of the barbarians too?!)
The
pilgrims are massed in tent cities on the outskirts of Mecca. For many
believers, the Hajj is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to cleanse their
sins in what is one of the most important rites for Muslims. This
year's Hajj takes place amid increasing worries across the Islamic
world over the bloodshed in Iraq and Afghanistan and recent terror
attacks by al Qaeda-linked groups, including last week's twin suicide
bombings in Algeria that killed at least 37 people. (more references implying that all we Moslems are good for and known for is violence and killing... how about how many lives were saved by Moslem doctors in the last week, maybe we can mention something like that instead? But that doesn't sell newspapers.)
Tensions also
have increased between the two main sects of Islam, Sunnis and Shiites,
who come together in the five days of Hajj rituals centered around
Mecca, the traditional birthplace of Islam's Prophet Muhammad (again implying violence, as if whenever Sunnis and Shi'ites get together, violence always ensues, since Moslems are violent people, and that's the only thing they know how to do even when they're around their own kind. Never mind that for generations these political differences have never been a real issue during the pilgrimage)
Saudi
Arabia and other Gulf Arab countries -- who are all U.S. allies -- have
been worried over Iran's increasing regional influence (again implying that Moslems are so unstable that we fight and quarrel with each other, and therefore we need enlightened countries like the United States to steal the oil--I mean, keep the peace). But the king's
invitation to Ahmadinejad appeared to reflect a readiness from Saudi
Arabia, a majority Sunni country, to reach out to its Shiite-dominated
neighbor. It comes about a week after a U.S. intelligence report said
Iran had ended a nuclear weapons program four years ago. Saudi
Interior Minister Prince Nayef bin Abdul-Aziz said the kingdom is
capable of maintaining security and preventing any attempt to threaten
the safety of the pilgrims. "We will not allow for the problems
in other countries to be reflected here during this Hajj season," he
said in a news conference late Saturday. Maj. Gen. Saleh Mohammed
al-Shihri, commander of the Central Control of the Hajj Security, said
1,150 cameras have been placed in several areas to monitor the area.
Several helicopters, fitted with these cameras, will also hover over
the pilgrims. Nayef said no extra security precautions will be
put in place for Ahmadinejad. The Iranian leader was scheduled to
arrive in Mecca on Monday, Iranian state media has reported. (blah blah blah, more statistics to explain how such measures have to be taken to accommodate these barbarians... give me a freakin' break)
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
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Honor Killings in Islam
kr's note: More than a month and half since the last post... Been traveling around the country for the past two months. January 2008 will hopefully mark the third coming of this blog.
New Islamic Directions Islam and Honor Killings (Revised)
by Imam Zaid Shakir
13 December 2007
For
that reason, we ordained for the Children of Israel that whoever kills
a soul for other than murder or spreading corruption in the land, it is
as if he has killed the whole of humanity? Qur?an 5:35
One of
the gravest charges levied against Islam, in terms of its alleged
antipathy towards women, is the claim that it encourages a phenomenon
known as honor killings. This un-Islamic practice consists of the
murder of female family members who are seen as dishonoring their
families through real or perceived acts of indiscretion, such as
premarital sexual relations or unapproved dating. This charge has been
intensified recently due to the tragic murder of a Pakistani Canadian
teenage girl, Aqsa Parvez.
The practice of honor killings has
absolutely no sanction in the Qur?an, the Prophetic practice, or in the
evolved systems of Islamic law. In the case of fornication or adultery,
the only way a charge can be levied against an individual, male or
female, is through confession, which is discouraged, or by four people
actually witnessing the male organ penetrating the female. Even if four
people witnessed a naked man engaged with a naked woman, but could not
actually testify that they witnessed penetration, their testimony would
be rejected.
In
a somewhat related issue, it should be noted that in three of the four
Sunni schools of law, as is the case with all of the major Shiite
schools, pregnancy is not a proof of fornication, as the possibility of
rape exists in such a case. Therefore, if a single woman were to become
pregnant, according to the overwhelming majority of Islamic jurists,
there is no basis for punishing her. In the few well-publicized
instances where a pregnant woman has been threatened with death, the
minority opinion of the Maliki School of law was unjustly evoked, as
occurred in Nigeria, or criminal malfeasance occurred as is the case in Pakistan.
In
the case of dating, there is no Islamically-mandated punishment for a
male or a female seeing a member of the opposite sex against the wishes
of their families. Such situations should be handled with counseling,
compassion and a healthy dose of common sense. Muslim immigrants who
have migrated to the West should realize that they have placed their
children in an environment where there is a tremendous amount of
anti-Islamic peer pressure. This is especially true if they have placed
their children, as was the case of the young lady who was recently
murdered in Canada,
in public schools. Children who succumb to that pressure should not be
seen as ?bad? kids, for by the standards of the society that has shaped
them, no matter how strong their home environment is, they are normal.
To kill a female guilty of an offense such as dating or dressing like
her peers under such circumstances is nothing short of cold-blooded
murder, and no Islamic authority can argue otherwise.
The
overwhelming majority of Muslim societies are free from the practice of
honor killing, although it does endure in some parts of the Middle East and South Asia. According to statistics released by the United Nations
in 2000 there are approximately 5,000 deaths annually from ?honor?
killings. Even if one killing occurred due to such barbarity, it would
be one too many, as the Qur?an emphasizes.
However,
to use the existence of such killings to smear Islam shows the
desperation and misplaced priorities of many of those levying such
attacks. Most of those deaths are the pathetic acts of sick
individuals, who are far removed from the letter, as we have shown
above, and the spirit of Islam. An example of such an individual is
Muhammad Riaz, a British Muslim of South Asian descent who died as a
result of a fire he set to burn to death his wife and four daughters,
allegedly because his wife resisted his attempt to arrange marriages
for his daughters. His wife and daughters did perish in that fire. To
present Riaz, whose daughters had neither fornicated nor dated, as
anything other than a sick individual is a sad attempt to defame Islam.
To attack Islam from this angle is a case of misplaced priorities
because it can distract attention from far graver abuses of women that
demand immediate redress. For example, the State Department estimates
that approximately 800,000 women and girls are trafficked as sexual
slaves annually. The overwhelming majority of these females are taken
from and sent to nominally Christian countries.
Over the last five years well over one thousand women have been kidnapped and then gruesomely murdered in Guatemala.
Their bodies usually turn up after a few days, mutilated and in some
instances with messages such as ?death to bitches? written on them. To
date only three men have been incarcerated in connection with those
attacks. Would it proper for us to infer from that situation the
conclusion that the ?Christians? of Guatemala, an overwhelmingly Christian nation, have no regard for the suffering of their women? Of course it would not.
At
the end of the day, attacks such as the one that resulted in the death
of Aqsa Parvez are acts of domestic violence resulting from rage that
emanates from a total neglect of Islamic teachings. Ms. Parvez lost her
life due to such violence and perhaps there are a few other instances
where Muslims women in Canada
or here in the United States, have been similarly victimized. However,
these instances should be kept in perspective. In the United States
there are approximately 1,200 women killed every year by their husbands
or intimate partners. There are other ?Christian? nations where murders
of this type are even higher.
The United States, Guatemala,
and other countries we could mention where similar abuses occur are
Christian nations. However, it would be disingenuous to use such
statistics as an indictment against Christianity. These issues are an
affront to humanity and require our collective attention. Until we all
view the problem this way, we are in jeopardizing the health and
integrity of our society.
Saying this is not to minimize the
gravity of so-called honor killings to the extent that they do occur in
Muslim societies. As Muslims, we are commanded to be committed to
justice. That commitment entails that as a community we oppose in the
strongest terms ?honor? killings and take immediate action to end such
a practice in our communities.
Practical steps include the following:
1. Emphasize that such killings have no sanction in the Qur?an, the Prophetic practice, or in Islamic law.
2. Declare anyone guilty of involvement
in honor killings to be a cold-blooded murderer.
3. Encourage judicial authorities to enact the harshest penalties possible for anyone accused of involvement in such killings.
4.
Educate our Muslim communities, especially in the West, about the
un-Islamic nature of honor killings, and the pressures, nuances,
challenges and complications facing young Muslims, male and female in
the West.
5. Work to eliminate the double standards, and to expose
the hypocrisy that exist in our communities, generally, concerning
attitudes and standards relating to the indiscretions of males as
opposed to females.
In conclusion, Islam honors the female, and
values femininity. It is up to every Muslim to translate teachings in
that regard into a beautiful reality that helps to elevate the status
of women in all societies. Honor killings, domestic violence in
general, murders of the type terrorizing women in Guatemala,
female sexual slavery and trafficking, pornography, especially its more
violent manifestations, are all crimes against humanity that we should
oppose in the strongest terms and work strenuously to eliminate. If our
women are not safe, psychically, emotionally, spiritually, or
psychologically we are all at risk, for without women men are
incomplete, and without men women are incomplete. Our Prophet, peace
and blessings of God upon him alluded to this complementariness when he
said, peace upon him, ?Women are the complimenting halves of men.? Let
us all work harder to make our societies whole.
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The Most Interesting Muslim in the World
kr's note: wow, two posts in two days... as opposed to every two weeks. Go figure.
One of the funniest and intelligent ads on TV (ironically enough) has to be the "most interesting man in the world" series run for the dos equis beer company. Now, beer aside, the commercials are hilarious. You can also read them at: http://symbii.com/stories.php?sid=618
With that in mind... here's a sketch for a more Moslem-friendly commercial campaign. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
When he eats biryani, he never gets any ilachi (cardamom) or lawng (cloves).
The tableeghi jamaat asks him if they can go with him for forty days.
He has four wives... and 400 applicants waiting in line.
He once slapped a hijabi who wouldn't shut up. That's right. You heard me.
When he moonsights, he always sees the moon... and he doesn't need any witnesses.
He once prayed Asr and Maghrib at the same time.
His sweat is pure enough to make wudu with.
He is... the most interesting Muslim in the world.
"I don't always drink water, but when I do, I prefer zam zam."
"Stay thirsty my friends... stay thirsty."
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More of Abu Hanifah's Genius
kr's note: I love this story because it's an example of how people think they know something, are set in their ways, and even take it levels of imposition on others... and then realize they know nothing when they meet people with real knowledge.
Once Abu Hanifah (may Allah have mercy on him) was visiting a small town on the invitation of its people. As he was giving his lessons in the town's mosque, the town was attacked by the Kharijites (an extremist group that historically created many problems and possibly is the inspiration for such groups today). After besieging the city, they ransacked it and approached the mosque where Abu Hanifah had continued to teach.
The Kharijites were well known for their intolerance of any groups who did not agree with their ideology. For example, they believed that major sins would take one out of the faith, with no hopes of redemption in this world or the hereafter. Even worse, they viewed as enemies those who held the majority view of allowing for such redemption.
As the army approached the mosque, the students inside were afraid, for they knew their fate if the Kharijites learned who they were. When the leader of the Kharijites approached the Imam, he asked him, "What do you say of someone who has committed a major sin? Is he still in the faith and is he worthy of salvation?"
To this, the Imam calmly replied: "Why are you asking us this? We are polytheists (mushrikeen), so such discussions don't even concern us."
The leader of the army replied back: "Then if you are polytheists, surely we will kill all of you."
Abu Hanifah said: "That is fine, but we are seeking asylum from you with you."
The leader said: "What! How can you seek refuge from us through us? What foolishness is this?"
And to this, the Imam replied: "Have you not read your own Qur'an? Have you not read the verse, If one amongst the Pagans ask thee for asylum, grant it to
him, so that he may hear the word of Allah; and then escort him to where he
can be secure. That is because they are men without knowledge (9:6). So we are seeking asylum with you, please read to us some of your Qur'an on the way, and convey us back to Baghdad."
The leader, realizing he had been duped by none other than the great Imam Abu Hanifah, told his lieutenants with a disgusted tone to convey the Imam and his students to their town and to read Qur'an to them along the way. A few days later, the Caliph sent an army to liberate the town and drive off the invaders.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Theory of Wife Demotion in practice and taken to the next level:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21336157/?GT1=10450
best line: "I'm thinking about a new wife, No. 9," he told the Israeli daily Yediot Ahronot in a recent interview. "There are many women who wish to marry me and there is no lack of women. I never had a problem with such things."
...can I take this man as my shaykh?
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Ranting and Raving About the Bears
I need to vent:
I am so mad right now that I don't even
know what to say. I want to swear and throw things and break stuff
right now. I don't understand how a team can become so bad in the span
of one offseason.
My thoughts. no particular order:
--Benson is a joke.
we traded the wrong running back. he has no heart, doesnt even look
like he cares that we're losing and he's sucking it up. i see no effort
or desire on his part to make up for mistakes. everyone fumbles, but GO
MAKE UP FOR IT, dammit
--watching Griese was like watching the john shoop offense once
again, dink and dunk. with that said, it was better than grossman... and it was working well until that first int in the
end zone end of first half... then he threw that second int which was
berrian's fault (see below), and the third int was just like the spirt
of rex taking over griese with a crap-for-brains move throwing into
triple coverage
--yet again we see no using devin hester on offense except for
that same bubble screen/quick throw to the WR that the ENTIRE LEAGUE
HAS SEEN ON TAPE. even the fox broadcasters, as idiotic as they are,
were like, USE HESTER ON OFFENSE, HES THE MOST DANGEROUS WEAPON IN THE
LEAGUE. hester, as sick as he was on that return, needs to hold the
ball and stop getting boneheaded unsportsmanlike penalties. but WHY ARENT WE USING HIM on screens or reverses or pitchouts... someone needs to be fired
--why wasnt a single pass thrown to greg olsen??? why was john "im so lousy" gilmore in the game so that he could drop open passes. my god, all
preseason, they were all about olsen saying how awesome he's gonna make
this team and they don't even use him??
--berrian and moose were terrible once again. berrian had at least
3 drops, moose another one near the goal line (right before berrian's
drop that led to the int). i saw bradley in there for a few plays. how
come our receivers just suck this year? they werent spectacular, but
they weren't dropping passes like this last year. maybe they were fasting and were tired... or maybe they've been unmasked for being just ordinary receivers that would be no better than number twos/threes on most teams
--i dont understand why our defense plays amazing first half and
then sucks it up second half. they cant even use the excuse that they
were on the field too long. i dont know what happens to them... its
like when the offense doesnt score, they play fired up, but as soon as
we score once... they get all relaxed. HOW MANY OFFSIDES DID WE HAVE???
how hard is it to NOT line up in the neutral zone. bunch of retards
--i want ron turner's head on a plate... he must be the most
overrated off coordinator in the league. last year he looked like a
genius cause we ran up the score against people... but he has no
creativity. all he does is the same plays that everyone has seen on
tape. he has no idea on how to use his personnel and create mismatches
to exploit. all he wants to do is run the same plays, and then run the
same runs with an o-line that can't block crap
--how does an o-line that dominated opponents last year suck so
bad? i dont understand how you can get so bad and so old in one season.
sigh, i have a bad feeling that this is gonna be a long year. the history of super bowl losers the
following year is never good. i think we walked into this season way
too cocky, i didnt see the same feeling of desire and wanting it as we
did last year. we got the pack next week in primetime and they're just
rolling... looks like we're gonna be 1-4 going into minnesota... it'll be a
miracle if we get to 9-7 and possibly get a wild card.
i need a hug.
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Praying and Fasting in Outer Space
kr's note: A special thanks to Omar Ashrafi for this article from wired magazine. Ever since I was a child, and I'm sure many people might have thought similarly, I not only dreamed of going into space, but I also pondered over the various religious issues that would pop up if one were in orbit or on the moon... or even one day, on other planets: how, where, and when would you pray? When do you start and stop your fast? When is your Eid (I mean, can you like NOT sight the moon in outer space... ) Amazingly enough, perhaps the only way Muslims can solve their moon-sighting issues is to move to outer space. But then, if you see the moon all the time, do you have to actually use calculations? Wow, that brings up a whole new host of issues...
...but, as I often do, I digress. What was once abstract is now reality, and I was impressed that the Malaysian fiqh council got together and had a conference to resolve these issues of worship in space. It's pretty impressive.
So here's the article in its entirety below. I dunno about you guys, but just reading this made me really, really happy for some reason. I'm so envious (the good kind, for those keeping score at home) of this guy because--mashallah--he's going to be the first person to pray and fast in space.
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http://www.wired.com/science/space/news/2007/09/mecca_in_orbit
A Muslim Astronaut's Dilemma: How to Face Mecca From Space
By Patrick Di Justo
09.26.07 | 12:00 AM
Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor of Malaysia, a crew member on the 16th mission
for the International Space Station, gives thumbs-up near the Soyuz-TMA
capsule before the final test outside Moscow on Tuesday, Sept. 18,
2007.
Photo: Associated Press / Mikhail Metzel
Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor has a problem. Two problems. The first is that Mecca keeps moving.
Well, not really. It's Shukor who'll be moving. As Malaysia's first
astronaut, he's scheduled to lift off October 10 in a Russian Soyuz
spacecraft for a nine-day visit during the holy month of Ramadan to the
International Space Station.
He's a devout Muslim and when he says his daily prayers he wants to
face Mecca, specifically the Ka'aba, the holiest place in Islam ("Turn
then thy face towards the Sacred Mosque: wherever ye are, turn your
faces towards it .... " The Quran, Al-Baqarah, 2:149).
That's where the trouble comes in. From ISS, orbiting 220 miles above the surface of the Earth, the qibla
(an Arabic word meaning the direction a Muslim should pray toward
Mecca) changes from second to second. During some parts of the space
station's orbit, the qibla can move nearly 180 degrees during the course of a single prayer. What's a devout Muslim to do?
"As a Muslim, I do hope to do my responsibilities," Shukor says. "I do hope to fast in space."
Malaysia's space agency, Angkasa, convened a conference of 150 Islamic
scientists and scholars last year to wrestle with these and other
questions. The resulting document
(.doc), "A Guideline of Performing Ibadah (worship) at the
International Space Station (ISS)", was approved by Malaysia's National
Fatwa Council earlier this year. According to the report, determining
the qibla should be "based on what is possible" for the
astronaut, and can be prioritized this way: 1) the Ka'aba, 2) the
projection of Ka'aba, 3) the Earth, 4) wherever.
This leads to Shukor's second problem. There are two distinct schools of thought for determining the qibla:
the commonly used Great Circle method, and the less common rhumb-line
method. Looking at a flat map using any standard projection shows that
a rhumb line (a line that cuts equal angles across all lines of
longitude) drawn from, say, the Johnson Space Center in Houston to
Mecca runs east-southeast. The numbers also bear this out -- the space
center is to the north and west of the Ka'aba, so any travel to the
holy city should naturally be to the southeast.
Lay a string across a globe,
however, and everything changes. A great circle -- the shortest
distance between two points on a sphere -- between Houston and Mecca
initially arcs to the northeast, then curves southward to the Saudi
peninsula. Islamic scientists knew as early as the ninth century CE
that the great circle route provided the shortest path to Mecca from
anywhere in the world, even though it may in some places seem
counterintuitive (Muslims in Alaska, for example, pray facing almost
due north). Great circle formulae are at the root of nearly every online qibla compass.
Dr. Kamal Abdali, a cartographer who is also Muslim and who has written (.pdf) extensively on determining the qibla,
favors the great circle route, but adds, "Prayer is not supposed to be
a gymnastic exercise. One is supposed to concentrate on the prayer
rather the exact orientation." He points out that in a train or plane,
it's customary to start in the qibla direction but then continue the prayer without worrying about possible changes in position.
But how does that work in space? Mathematically, Shukor would need to
place both ISS and Mecca on the same imaginary sphere -- by either
comparing the place on Earth directly beneath ISS with the real Ka'aba,
or by projecting the Ka'aba into space (the option recommended by the
Fatwa Council).
Yet the option to pray while facing a point in space brings up another
problem. Muslims face the ground to pray, in part to avoid any hint of
pagan sun or moon worship ("Prostrate yourselves not to the sun nor to
the moon, but prostrate yourselves to Allah Who created them, if you
(really) worship Him" (The Quran, Fussilat 41:37). If the Ka'aba projection happens to line up with the sun or moon, purists might believe the prayer invalid.
For now, Shukor is keeping the details of his plans fluid until he is
actually on board ISS, a point with which Dr. Khaleel Mohammed,
assistant professor of religion at San Diego State University, concurs.
"In space," Mohammed points out, "the ritual prayer might be offset for
more of a prayer that is allowed when on jihad ... for the lack of
gravity and directional accuracy makes it legitimate to do as one sees
fit. God does not take a person to task for that which is beyond
his/her ability to work with."
Questions like these will continue as more and more religious
astronauts travel into space. When is sunset in low Earth orbit if
you're experiencing a dozen sunrises and sunsets in every 24-hour
period? When does Sabbath begin on the moon, where the sun sets once a
month? When is the first sighting of the crescent moon if you're on
Mars? Religious councils of all faiths will have plenty to keep them
busy for years.
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Real Muslims of Genius
kr's note: I was organizing old files on my computer last night (God, I need a life) and I came across stuff that I had posted during my "subprofile" days. For those keeping score at home, this was before facebook (since more people read this stuff there), before xanga, and even before blurty.com. These were spoofs of the ever-popular "Real Men of Genius" advertising theme, tweaked to reflect Muslim idiosyncrasies.
So yes, technically, this is a re-post from 6 years ago. The fourth one is new. Eh, whatever. Enjoy... or not.
Real Muslims of Genius #1:
"Hamdard Laboratories presents Real Muslims of Genius
(Reeeal Musssliiims of Geeeniusss!). Today we salute YOU, Mr. Eid-Parking
Director (Mr. Eid Parking Direeecctaaar!) When people come to pray for one day
in the year, you stand there in the rain and tell them the lot's full(Come
baaack at 10 am, brottherrrr!).
People know that parking's ten dollars, but they always give you twenties...
you think ahead and bring change... Brilllliant. (Please dont give me rupeeeeees!)
You know the weather's bad, but you wear your whitest kurtha, it stays clean
till 9:45, and then, that aunty
drives through a puddle drenching you (vaaaaaaaaat the hell, sistaaaaaaaar??)
And even though I know that if I follow your directions, I'd end up praying Eid
prayer at 12 pm, I know youre just
doing your job (move your caar moore
on the grass brother!). So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mr. Eid Parking
Director... the work you put in is exactly why we keep asking for funds for a
new parking lot (Mr. Eid Parking Directaaaaaar)."
Real Muslims of Genius 2:
Today we salute YOU, Mr. Friday
Prayer Khateeb (Mr. Friday Prayer Khatee-eeb!)
When Moslems come to be Muslims for a day, they can always look forward
to hearing your inspiring words (Weee must have the cer-taan-tee!). You know
that people will fall asleep during your talks? so you decide to yell at them
to keep them awake? genius (You all lack Imaaan and are Kaaafirs!) You start by
talking about something, and then something else? when you end, you have no
idea what you just said? but that?s OK, cause no one else does either (Hurry up
and finish cause I?m double paaaaarked!) Arabic, Urdu, or English khutbah? It
doesn?t matter, cause no one would understand you in any language (please don?t
talk during the khateeb!) So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mr. Friday
Prayer Khateeb? next week, we?d learn more if you just read from Ahmed Sakr?s
khutbah book instead of trying to write your own (Mr. Friday Prayer
Khatee-eeeb)
Real Muslims of Genius 3:
Hamdard Laboratories presents, Real Muslims of Genius
(Reeeal Muslims of Geeenius!) Today we salute YOU, Mr. Zabiha Meat Store
Butcher (Mr. Zabiha Meat Stoo-oore Buuutcher!) All day long, you tirelessly
hack out sweet succulent chops of lamb and perfect size pieces of chicken for
angry, impatient Muslims (I want my talahwha gosht!) You consider how to make people be more orderly, so
you set up a ticket numbering system? amazing, if people actually followed it (Aray
bhai, huzoor kay zamanay may yay kafiron ka number syshtem nahi tah! [o
brother, in the days of the Prophet there wasn?t this disbelievers? system of
numbering!]) Did I order a leg of lamb
or ground beef kheema, I forget? but that?s okay, because you?ll give me
whatever you feel like anyway (How much for the laaaaamb kidneeeeys?) Blood still left in the meat? Why, that?s
just flavor pockets that will lock in all that flavor when being cooked (Why?s my
check posted on the wall of baaad checks??) So crack open a bottle of Rooh
Afza, Mr. Zabiha Meat Store Butcher? It?s hard enough to work all day without
chopping off your finger? so I won?t even bother to find out whether you REALLY
sell zabiha meat (Mr. Zabiha Meat Store Butcher!) Real Muslims of Genius 4:
Hamdard Laboratories presents, Real Muslims of Genius (Reeeal Muslim of Geeeniuss!) Today we salute YOU, Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunty (Mrs. ISNA Matrimo-neeal Aaaun-teee!) Five months before September, you get ready, compiling hundreds of biodatas from Moslems everywhere (I want an Aishwariya Rai look alike!). Five minutes, ten minutes, why that's more than enough time for them to figure it all out (You don't look twenty-fiiiiive!) Matching Punjabis with Punjabis, and Misris with Misris, you've got it all down to a science... brilliant (But he's not from my grandparents' village!) Istikharah? Why, that's what all those extremists do, you just need to match the MDs with the supermodels (But sister, I am a paanch namaazi!) So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunty... despite your crazy ways, more and more people sign up each year (Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunteeee-eeee)
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A Month Later, and This is All You Have?
Yep.
Hopefully over the next week and half, I'll get around to posting:
1. Memoirs of a Traumatized OB/GYN Medical Student
2. A Notice of Talaq to the Desi Peoples
3. kr's List of Moslem-Related Syndromes
In the meantime, enjoy this article taken from Gilbert Arenas' (hibachi!) blog:
There Are No Such Thing as Shark Attacks I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.
There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We're humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that?s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack. Now, if you?re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where it's like, "There have been 10 shark attacks," I'm like, "Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don't live underwater."
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